When I was in my early twenties, I asked a 50-something co-worker the question, "at what age do people stop describing you as being young?"
This question did not sit well with her and she refused to answer.
But another middle-aged co-worker overheard our conversation and leaned over and whispered to me:
"When you turn 40."
As my thirties come to a close next month, I feel the need to mourn the death of my "youth". How will I do this? Will I wear sackcloth and ashes as they did in biblical times? Will I give away any clothes left in my closet deemed "too inappropriate" for my more mature age group?
I know. I will start the mourning process by writing a will.
Last Will and Testament
I, THERESA DONAHOE, residing at OAKLAND, CA, being of sound mind, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament and do revoke any and all other Wills and Codicils heretofore made by me.
1.1 - I leave my "how to have youthful skin" secrets to my female friends that are still in their thirties. In the wise words of my Mexican Grandmother: "moisturize, moisturize, moisturize." And don't forget to moisturize your neck.
2.1 - I leave my "dance all night at the club" energy to Brandileigha Stracner, who, at age 25, still has a lot of good clubbin years left in her. Stay out as late as you want and don't come home till 3am for as long as you can. Don't believe you have to work a 9 to 5 in order to be a grown up. You don't.
3.1 - I leave all of my cute shoes that absolutely have no arch support to Christine Beitsch. That woman can walk in anything. Of course I only maybe have one pair of cute shoes left.
4.1 - I leave all of my size four pants to Goodwill. Come, take them away before I try to pathetically muffin-top my way back into them!
5.1 - I leave my "I don't have to worry about anything because I am too young to be in charge" attitude to my 19 year old niece, Brittany. How I envy you.
6.1 - I leave my "I don't have to worry about anything cuz I'm the baby of the family" attitude to.......well,....no one. That one's a keeper and continues to serve me well. Muuhaahaaa. Maybe I will leave that one behind when I turn 50.
OMG. Am I really gonna turn 50 in 10 years??
WHY GOD WHY??