Monday, October 11, 2010

Last Will and Testament

When I was in my early twenties, I asked a 50-something co-worker the question, "at what age do people stop describing you as being young?"

This question did not sit well with her and she refused to answer.

But another middle-aged co-worker overheard our conversation and leaned over and whispered to me:

"When you turn 40."

As my thirties come to a close next month, I feel the need to mourn the death of my "youth". How will I do this? Will I wear sackcloth and ashes as they did in biblical times? Will I give away any clothes left in my closet deemed "too inappropriate" for my more mature age group?

I know. I will start the mourning process by writing a will.

Last Will and Testament

I, THERESA DONAHOE, residing at OAKLAND, CA, being of sound mind, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament and do revoke any and all other Wills and Codicils heretofore made by me.

1.1 - I leave my "how to have youthful skin" secrets to my female friends that are still in their thirties. In the wise words of my Mexican Grandmother: "moisturize, moisturize, moisturize." And don't forget to moisturize your neck.

2.1 - I leave my "dance all night at the club" energy to Brandileigha Stracner, who, at age 25, still has a lot of good clubbin years left in her. Stay out as late as you want and don't come home till 3am for as long as you can. Don't believe you have to work a 9 to 5 in order to be a grown up. You don't.

3.1 - I leave all of my cute shoes that absolutely have no arch support to Christine Beitsch. That woman can walk in anything. Of course I only maybe have one pair of cute shoes left.


4.1 - I leave all of my size four pants to Goodwill. Come, take them away before I try to pathetically muffin-top my way back into them!


5.1 - I leave my "I don't have to worry about anything because I am too young to be in charge" attitude to my 19 year old niece, Brittany. How I envy you.

6.1 - I leave my "I don't have to worry about anything cuz I'm the baby of the family" attitude to.......well,....no one. That one's a keeper and continues to serve me well. Muuhaahaaa. Maybe I will leave that one behind when I turn 50.

OMG. Am I really gonna turn 50 in 10 years??

WHY GOD WHY??

10 comments:

Bradical said...

You're funny. A little whinny but funny. Happy birth day :)

theresa said...

bradical, who are you??

robertjm said...

It is really scary when you start dwelling on it. Just the other day I was thinking of stuff I wanted to do in my earlier days, which have pretty much passed me by now. But at some point you have to just think about what you can still do and get that checked off the Bucket List. (Oh Lord, at what time do you start having a Bucket List?!?!?!)

Mike Tyler said...

A mutual friend of ours told me that when she was going to turn forty she would no longer wear her hair long. Well, she turned forty several years ago and she didn't cut it. But it was okay, she could definitely get away with it. (I think she finally went shorter last year.) I think you're all really beautiful and you worry about this stuff way too much. My two cents.

Love Songs for Zombies said...

My dear wifey just crossed over this August. We are now part of the same club. We've decided that when we die we'd like to be burned on funeral pyres on a beach like Jedi Knights. These are the sorts of things you start to think about once you cross over.

Mike Tyler said...

All this sounds so funny to a 54-year old. Then again, when I was 45, my poor daughter would get asked if I was her boyfriend, so I've never looked my age. A few months ago I went ahead and started showing my birth year on my Facebook page. I've decided age has at least as many advantages as disadvantages. (Ask me if I still feel this way every ten years.)

theresa said...

Mike Tyler- you are also a man! You know the saying..."Men get better as they get older, and women just get old.."

Sherri said...

Ah, welcome to the club! It's not so bad once you're in, but I cracked up at all the things you willed away that I probably did too....6 years ago!

Style Maniac said...

Hey sister Scorpio {I think}, love your list! Cracked me up. I'm a few years past your anxious day and let me tell you, it's not so bad. Nightclubs I gave up on long ago. But impromptu dance parties in my living room with friends at midnight--well that just happened last month! (The neck, though, suddenly shows some alarming signs despite slathering on moisturizer.)

My mom has always said that some of the youngest people she knows are 20 years her senior. I've known young old people and old young people so I completely agree. It's all about the attitude. And it's certainly better than the alternative.

Angelia Sims Hardy said...

Oh this was too good and very. very funny and creative. I turn the big 4-0 T-minus 9 months and counting. YIKES! 40?!?

Actually, I am actually looking forward to it. I think FINALLY someone will take me serious. I'm not "too" young anymore. :-)